


Moca's Bread Heist (April Fools Oneshot 2019)

by Zinthezinner



Series: BanG Dream! Girls Adventuring Band Parties! [4]
Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: D&D AU, Gen, Teen+ rating because of swear words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 15:20:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18317951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zinthezinner/pseuds/Zinthezinner
Summary: This went way out of hand, took me almost 13 hours from ~3pm to ~4am, no proof-reading we die like men, yes it's ~4am as I post this but it's still April fools day somewhere,,





	Moca's Bread Heist (April Fools Oneshot 2019)

Moca: Welcome to my oneshot domain~ Let me hand out your character sheets~

[Moca hands out the character sheets]

Ran: Moca, why is mine the same as Aya-san’s? And Rimi’s? Are they supposed to look the same, or did you make a mistake?  
Moca: Ehehe~ That’s because you’re all playing clones of each other.  
Kanon: W-wait, so we’re all playing the same thing? Isn’t that bad or something?  
Moca: We’ll make it work~  
Ran: This says it’s a sorcerer, but it looks kinda fucky.  
Aya: Does it? I haven’t played one before. What’s wrong with it?  
Ran: Well first off we have burglar’s packs, which I’m pretty sure isn’t a sorcerer thing.  
Rimi: I’ll check!

[Rimi opens her PHB]

Ran: And second, we all have an “idol of Moca-chan”, which I’m guessing is our arcane focus?  
Moca: Ding ding! Correct~!  
Ran: Wouldn’t that be a holy symbol though?  
Rimi: Y-you’re right, by the way! Sorcerers get the dungeoneer’s pack or the explorer’s pack! We must be doing something special, maybe?  
Moca: Special indeed~ You five have been touched by Moca-chan, who has granted you special, unpredictable magicks. You have to complete a special quest for her, and that means burglar’s packs~  
Sayo: Unpredictable?  
Ran: We’re wild magic sorcerers, she can make us roll every time we cast a spell and it’ll do something weird if we roll a 1. 

[Moca laughs]

Sayo: I see. Where can I find this table?  
Rimi: Page 104, Sayo-san!  
Kanon: How come you know so much about this, Ran-chan?  
Ran: Ako and Tomoe play a bunch, sometimes they invite Afterglow. I imagine Ako’s been playing with Roselia now too, though.  
Sayo: We do have a game planned, but we haven’t played yet.  
Kanon: I see!  
Moca: We ready to go?  
The Party: Yes!

Moca: It’s just past midnight. The five of you clones have been ordered by the force that created you to pull the heist of the century: stealing an ancient dwarven artifact called the Bread Boomerang of Blinding from a museum! It’s dark, but as sneople-  
Kanon: Sneople?  
Moca: Snake people~ As snake people, you all have darkvision anyway, so you can see pretty well. You haven’t cased the joint, because your mighty goddess only told you about it today, and it needs doing tonight, but you’re guessing there’s not too much security~ What do you do?

Aya: Let’s get this bread gaymers!  
Rimi: W-we should probably go through the back door, right? Is there one?  
Moca: There is one~  
Sayo: The door is locked, right? Can we pick the lock?  
Moca: You don’t know that it’s locked.  
Sayo: I try the handle.  
Moca: It’s locked.  
Ran: And we don’t have thieves’ tools. Great.  
Rimi: We have crowbars, though...  
Kanon: Should we use the crowbars to break the lock?  
Sayo: Wouldn’t that be loud?  
Aya: I’m sure we can handle it! I’m going to roll to open the door.  
Moca: Roll 1d20+STR please~

[Aya rolls a 17]

Aya: I did it!  
Rimi: Yay Aya-chan!  
Moca: The door eerily swings open, revealing the interior. It’s a massive warehouse-looking place, with tall shelves and lots of drawers. You see some random boxes and crates on the floor.  
Sayo: We enter. Carefully.  
Ran: Same as always.  
Moca: Okay, you’re in the storage room~  
Ran: Do we know if the artifact is in storage or on display?  
Moca: Clever Ran~ You know that it’s on display.  
Ran: “Let’s not waste our time here.”  
Rimi: We keep going then?  
Moca: Ok, you pass by rack upon rack of taxidermied creatures, and eventually you find the guard station. There’s one dwarf guard facing away from you, and they look like they’re alone in the room. What do you do?  
Aya: Oh! I’m good at stealth for once!  
Kanon: ‘For once’?  
Aya: Yeah, I play a paladin in the Pastel*Palettes game, so I’m usually too noisy in my armor to be good at sneaking, ehe~ Ah, but I already rolled for something, someone else should have a turn!  
Rimi: I’ll go then! I roll with my DEX + proficiency for this, right?  
Ran: You do, yeah.

[Rimi rolls a natural 20, bringing the total to 25]

Moca: Whoa… that’s pretty good~  
Rimi: Ah, but it doesn’t really matter because they still just don’t see me, right?  
Moca: I tell you what. Because you rolled a natural 20, you can have advantage on your attack roll against them, deal?  
Rimi: Deal! So… what do I do now? Do I use my dagger, or a spell? I have Shocking Grasp…  
Sayo: Which does the most damage?  
Rimi: Shocking Grasp, it does 1d8 and the target can’t take reactions until the start of its next turn.  
Moca: Roll initiative~! You get a surprise round

[Ran rolls a 17]  
[Guard rolls a 16]  
[Rimi rolls a 12]  
[ Kanon rolls an 11]  
[Aya rolls an 8]  
[Sayo rolls an 8]

Moca: Ran’s up first~  
Ran: It only makes sense to let Rimi get the first shot in, so I’m holding my action. I’m going to cast Fire Bolt on the guard as soon as Rimi finishes her attack.  
Moca: Cool, cool. Rimi, you’re up~  
Rimi: Ok, I’m going to cast Shocking Grasp! Let’s see, melee spell attack…

[Rimi rolls a 14]

Rimi: Does that hit?  
Moca: Well let’s see… the AC is usually 16… but because they’re not using their shield, I’d say it’s 14. You hit~!

[Rimi rolls a 2]

Moca: Ok~ Roll a d20 for me, and then a d100 please~  
Sayo: What for?  
Moca: Moca-chan found a secret super special table~  
Ran: But she doesn’t have to roll the d100 if she doesn’t get a 1 anyway, so why?  
Moca: Because Moca-chan says so.

[Rimi rolls a 16]  
[Rimi rolls a 6]

Moca: Ok, you can’t speak now. If you try to speak, little pink bubbles will come out of your mouth instead~  
Rimi: For how long?  
Moca: You don’t know. Ran’s turn now, go for it with your…  
Ran: Fire Bolt? Yeah.

[Ran rolls a 14]

Ran: Huh. The same. Anyway, 1d10

[Ran rolls an 8]

Moca: The guard looks very, very weak~ 1d20 and 1d100 please~

[Ran rolls a 7]  
[Ran rolls a 54]

Moca: You feel like you can walk through walls, and spoiler alert: you can! Kanon-senpai?  
Kanon: M-me? Right! Ummm…  
Aya: You could use Fire Bolt too!  
Kanon: Good idea, Aya-chan! I’ll do that then… 

[Kanon rolls a 13]

Kanon: You said it was 14, right? That doesn’t hit…  
Moca: Sayo-san, Aya-san, you two tied. Who’s going first?  
Sayo: Maruyama-san, I insist that you go first.  
Aya: I was going to offer it to you, Sayo-chan! Ok, I’m going to Fire Bolt too!

[Aya rolls an 11]

Aya: Oh.  
Sayo: My turn, right?  
Aya: Yeah, I move out of the way so she can get to the doorway. Your turn, Sayo-chan!  
Sayo: Maybe this time it’ll work. I cast Fire Bolt.

[Sayo rolls an 18, which +5 is a 23]

Sayo: Does a 23 hit?  
Moca: Nope~! I’m kidding, it definitely hits. That wasn’t a natural 20, was it?  
Sayo: 18+5, so no.  
Moca: Well they were on 1hp anyway, so you can’t not kill them with this, but roll anyway. I wanna see.

[Sayo rolls a 2]

Moca: lmao. The guard falls the fuck down, dead as hell. You did it.  
Kanon: Did we h-have to kill them?  
Ran: Spells can’t do non-lethal damage, so yeah.  
Kanon: Oh. Could we have hit them with something other than a spell to just knock them out or something?  
Moca: Moca-chan said “by any means necessary”, and that means killing.  
Kanon: Are we evil??  
Moca: Well, it’s hard to say~ Anyway, you’re out of initiative now. What’re you gonna do?  
Sayo: Don’t I roll for the weird magic?  
Moca: Oh yeah~

[Sayo rolls a 5]  
[Sayo rolls a 52]

Moca: Hmmm… I don’t want to slow this down with more rolls, so you knock everyone to the ground. You get up again, what do you do now~?  
Sayo: I say we look for a key. If there’s some sort of glass case around the bread, perhaps we can unlock it.  
Rimi: Good idea, Sayo-san!  
Sayo: Thank you, Ushigome-san. What do I have to roll?  
Moca: Investigation

[Sayo rolls a 12]

Moca: You don’t find anything labelled as a key for that, but you do find the key to the door you broke earlier. You also find the fighting bread club that the guard had that I didn’t get to use on you  
Rimi: Should we move on, then?  
The Rest of the Party: Yes

Moca: You then pass into an exhibit, a marine life one. Yes, Kanon-senpai, there are jellyfish~  
Kanon: I am entirely entranced by them.  
Ran: “We don’t have time for this.”  
Rimi: “Kano-”  
Moca: Nuh-uh~! Bubbles, remember?  
Rimi: Oh yeah. Pink bubbles come out of my mouth and pop in front of Kanon-senpai’s face  
Kanon: That breaks me out of it. “Fuee~”  
Ran: I use my powers that I apparently have and I walk through whichever wall leads to the main exhibition.  
Moca: You do that, and immediately get the attention of a guard, and…  
Aya: And..?  
Moca: And…  
Sayo: And..?  
Moca: And three of the hanging skeletons! Three pteranodon skeletons come to life and snap from the strings holding them in place. Everyone roll initiative~

[Aya rolls a 21]  
[Pteranodon(C) rolls a 17]  
[Kanon rolls a 16]  
[Guard rolls a 15]  
[Ran rolls a 14]  
[Sayo rolls a 12]  
[Pteranodon(B) rolls an 11]  
[Rimi rolls a 5]  
[Pteranodon(A) rolls a 4]

[Moca arranges the initiative counters over the top of the DM screen]

Aya: That’s like 9 turns to a round! This is going to take a while, huh.  
Moca: Yup~ Main fights are like that~  
Aya: My turn first. Ah, but I’m not in the room yet, am I? Can I get into the main bit with my normal movement?  
Moca: Hmmm… yup~  
Aya: Ok! I’m going to get out my crossbow now, and I’m going to shoot one of the skeleton thingies!

[Aya rolls a 15]

Moca: You hit it~! Roll damage

[Aya rolls an 8]

Moca: Alright, it’s a pteranodon’s turn now, and not the one Aya-san hit~ It’s going to fly at Aya-san and try to bite her.

[Pteranodon(C) rolls a 19 to hit]  
[Pteranodon(C) rolls a 4 for damage]

Aya: Oh. I’m on 3 health.  
Kanon: Oh, are we going to die?  
Moca: Maybe~ Kanon-senpai’s turn  
Kanon: Um! I’m also running out there, and I’m going to… is it still on the ground?  
Moca: Ah I forgot to say it flew away  
Ran: Wouldn’t that provoke an attack of opportunity?  
Moca: Nah, it has a special ability for that. But I didn’t say it, so I guess it’s still there?  
Kanon: I want to hit it with my crowbar, is that ok?  
Ran: Actually that’s really good. As a bludgeoning weapon you’d be doing double damage to it because it’s a skeleton, right?  
Moca: You really pay attention, huh Ran?  
Ran: S-shut up! I just. I like winning, ok? And it’s not like I memorized everything. Skeletons are basic enemies. Matsubara-san, just roll

[Kanon rolls a 17 to hit]  
[Kanon rolls a 4 for damage, which is doubled to an 8 because skeletons are vulnerable to bludgeoning]

Moca: Cool, the skeleton pteranodon isn't dead yet. The guard is going to run towards Ran, but their stubby little legs get them maybe halfway across the main floor~ Ran’s turn  
Ran: I’m going to Fire Bolt the one that Aya-san hit.

[Ran rolls a 19 to hit]  
[Ran rolls a 9 for damage]

Moca: This kills it. It plummets towards the marble floor, shattering into a million pieces upon contact~! Roll 1d20 and 1d100 pls~

[Ran rolls an 11]  
[Ran rolls an 84]

Moca: You feel stronger. STR up by 2 for a minute, ok? Sayo-san, your turn  
Sayo: Following Matsubara-san’s lead, I’m going to strike the grounded one with my crowbar after running up to it.

[Sayo rolls a 12]

Moca: Miss~! It is now the turn of the pteranodon who has not yet been hit. This one’s going to swoop down to hit Sayo-san and then retreat

[Pteranodon(B) rolls a 9]

Moca: It misses too, awww. Rimi-rin?  
Rimi: Ah! Yes, I’m going to also go hit the one on the floor with my crowbar… 

[Rimi rolls a 13]

Rimi: Does that hit?  
Moca: Barely, yeah

[Rimi rolls a 3, which doubles to 6]

Moca: Rimi gets a kill! Now there’s just one pteranodon and the guard left. You guys are surprisingly competent~  
Ran: Hey.  
Sayo: That’s not very nice, Aoba-san.  
Rimi: She just jinxed it…  
Moca: Aya-san’s turn  
Aya: Right! I’m going to shoot the last dinosaur skeleton with my crossbow!

[Aya rolls a natural 20, +5, bringing it to 25]

Moca: Holy fuck Aya-san  
Aya: I crit! That’s double damage dice, right?  
Moca: uhuh

[Aya rolls a 4 and an 8, +3, which is 15]

Moca: Yet another kill for the heroes~ But wait! Another, secret enemy has arrived. From the shadows in the distance, you see a big-ass bird, kinda like an emu but larger. It’s totally been in initiative this whole time, and it’s running towards Ran  
Ran: Why is everything running towards me?

[Moca shrugs]

[Axe Beak joins the battle with an initiative roll of 18]

Moca: So the giant bird has a speed of like 50 feet, so it totally reaches Ran without a dash action, and it’s going to bite her

[Axe Beak rolls an 18]

Moca: Does that hit?  
Ran: You know damn well it hits.

[Axe Beak rolls a 9]

Ran: I’m unconscious.  
Kanon: Fuee~  
Moca: Your turn, Kanon-senpai~  
Kanon: Um! I’m going to use Magic Missile! On the bird!  
Moca: Fucking finally. Everyone’s always so stingy with the spell slots, even in oneshots! And here I thought you had a thing for flightless birds~  
Kanon: Magic missile automatically hits, so I just need to roll 3d4 for the damage to the bird, right?  
Rimi: Mhm! +3, because it’s +1 for each dart as well!  
Kanon: Aah, I didn’t see that! Thank you, Rimi-chan!

[Kanon rolls an 8]

Kanon: Is that good? How badly is it hurt?  
Moca: That wasn’t quite half its health, but you did good~ good girl~ Roll for me.

[Kanon rolls a 12]  
[Kanon rolls an 87]

Moca: You feel smarter, somehow. You have proficiency in INT checks for the next hour. Guard’s turn, and they finally make it to Ran, only to find her unconscious. They turn to face the rest of you, but can’t reach you just yet. Ran?  
Ran: Right, death save, yeah.

[Ran rolls a 3, which is 1 failed death save]

The Party Except for Sayo: F  
Sayo: What?  
Aya: It’s to pay your respects  
Sayo: But she isn’t dead yet, that’s one fail out of three, correct?  
Aya: Yeah but it’s still… ouch, y’know? Anyway, whose turn is it? Sayo-san?  
Sayo: Yes, it’s my turn. I’m going to use Magic Missile on the guard, as they have a shield and are harder to hit.  
Kanon: Fuee~ I hadn’t thought of that  
Sayo: To be fair, I hadn’t thought of using my spell slots in the first place, but as Aoba-san has said, it is a oneshot. I’m going to give it my all.

[Sayo rolls a 15]

Sayo: That was the most I could possibly have given it.  
Moca: The guard was killed~! Downright murdered. Love it. Roll for me.

[Sayo rolls a 9]  
[Sayo rolls a 28]

Moca: You feel… dodgy, as in able to dodge better. +2 AC for a minute~  
Rimi: My turn, right? 

[Moca nods]

Rimi: I cast Magic Missile on the bird!

[Rimi rolls an 11]

Moca: The Axe Beak is dead~! Can someone pat Rimi-rin on the head for me?

[Kanon pats Rimi’s head gently]

Sayo: I did more damage though, this seems unfair.  
Moca: Do you want a pat on the head?  
Sayo: Well… no, but-  
Moca: Then you don’t get any~ Rimi, roll for me?

[Rimi rolls a 5]  
[Rimi rolls a 47]

Moca: 11 gold pieces appear just out of reach of you~  
Ran: Do you have any more to throw at us or do we end the combat now?  
Moca: I’m done with the monsters. For now, that is~  
Ran: Can someone stop me from dying please?  
Kanon: D-do we have any healing?  
Rimi: We could do a medicine check, but we’re not good at that…  
Ran: Do we have any other options?  
Moca: Ran, make a death save~  
Ran: Oh come on! Just because I? Ugh. Fine.

[Ran rolls an 8]

Moca: Yikes~  
Rimi: I’ll make a medicine check!

[Rimi rolls a 1, -1 is a 0]

[Rimi looks terrified, and buries her face in her hands]

Rimi: I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’mso-  
Sayo: It’s alright, Ushigome-san. It’s a game, and Aoba-san didn’t rule that it killed her  
Moca: Hadn’t then, but I am now! Bye Ran~  
Ran: Fuck you.  
Rimi: So one of us is dead?  
Moca: Ayup  
Rimi: I start crying  
Aya: I hug her  
Rimi: Awwww~ Thank you  
Kanon: So w-what do we do now?  
Moca: The bread is right in front of you, locked in a glass case  
Kanon: I hit it with my crowbar  
Moca: It cracks  
Kanon: I hit it again?  
Moca: It cracks some more  
Kanon: I-I hit it again!  
Moca: And with that, it breaks. There before you is the Bread Boomerang of Blinding, and it kinda hurts to look at. Looking at it anyway, it’s an expertly bent low loaf. It looks stunning~  
Sayo: We pick it up

[Moca laughs]

Moca: Do you?  
Sayo: Yes. We do.  
Moca: Well in that case you’re fine. I was gonna have you roll to see if you get blinded or not, but I like your confidence, Sayo-san~ What now?  
Rimi: I say we take Ran-chan with us and leave with the bread. D-does that sound ok?  
The Rest of the Party: Sounds good

Moca: And so the heroes take their leave of the museum, leaving behind them 2 dead guards, an extra-dead animated axe beak, and 3 pteranodon skeletons. Someone make a performance check for me please~?  
Rimi: I’ll do it!

[Rimi rolls an 11]

Moca: Unfortunately the few people of the city up at this hour do not fall for your Weekend at Bernie’s fuckery, but that’s where we’re leaving it for tonight. So how was that?  
Sayo: It was strange, but I liked it. Thank you.  
Ran: I died.  
Aya: I got turned into a bird, but it was fun! Thanks for DMing for us, Moca-chan!  
Kanon: Yeah, thank you!  
Rimi: Thanks! I had fun too…

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for sticking through the shitshow, hope you enjoyed it


End file.
